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I am my own worst enemy.

For most of my life I have denied this and have been okay with not examining the reasons for my troubles.  Today I have decided that enough is enough, starting today I will be my best friend, I will love myself, an I will believe in myself.  I know, I know I am not saying anything new or unknown.  To quote the Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident…” but this has not always been the case.  However, recent events in my life have made it abundantly clear that now is the time for change.

I have always looked down on people who have wanted to “recreate” or “reinvent” themselves.  In my mind if you didn’t like a part of who you are then you should have never let it become habit.  It is extremely ironic that I now find myself in situations where I must do the same.  For years I have allowed negative, damaging thoughts, emotions and actions in my life because I believed it was necessary to survive in the situations I found myself in.  Dr. Joe Dispenza has shown me how wrong I was.

“Your personality creates your personal reality.”

Dr. Dispenza says in his movie, Aligning your thoughts and feelings for a New Destiny.  The realization that my thoughts and feelings created my reality was something that I knew but have never explored.  Exploring this has forced me to remove the last of my blinders.  Now, more than ever, I can look around and see my present circumstances for what they are.

My present circumstances are the biggest and best opportunity I have even had to change.  I will no longer be who I think I have to be or who others want me to be.  I will become the man who I want to be.  Recognizing the truth in what Dr. Dispenza says has shown me that I have had and will always have the power to do better.  Dr. Dispenza also speaks about how in every case (that he studied) in which people made a miraculous recovery from a disease or illness, they surrendered themselves to a higher power.  This resonates with me because the idea of surrender has been the best and yet most difficult issue of my faith.

As a Muslim the idea of Allah being in control, wanting what is best for me, and not giving me more problems/pain than I can handle is a balm to my soul. Yet, I struggle with the concept that in order for Allah to be in control, I cannot be. The reality that he knows what is best for me and what is right for me stares me in the face every day.  I can no longer continue to fight it.  I have not demonstrated a love for myself or that I want what is best for myself, because who in their right mind would make the choices I have or want to be where I am?  Yet all of my thoughts have led me to this place.

I am now ready to embody the change that is  necessary for me to be who I should be.  Allah has blessed me with many talents and abilities that I have run from or misused for the majority of my life.  I am done with being somebody who has wasted potential; instead I will be somebody who has realized their potential.  I will not continue to be anything other than the best possible version of myself.  One of my favorite sayings is, “Our biggest fear is not the darkness, it is our light… for who are we to be beautiful?  Who are we to be powerful beyond all belief?”  I am paraphrasing a Nelson Mandela quote.  The events, conversations and lessons of this last year have led me to a point where I understand that without some serious painful introspection I will never stop makin the same mistakes.  It is not enough to not want to make them.  I have to understand why I am making them in the first place.

Starting this process has been eye-opening.  I will probably be doing it for the rest of my life, because once I started I do not wish to stop.. It has brought a clarity into my life that is much need.  I could wax poetically about all of the insights I have gained, but I won’t.  I will instead let them speak for themselves.  I am not the same person that I was last year, last month, last week or even yesterday.  It is my firm belief that these changes I have made and will continue to make will be apparent to all in my life.  It has been a long time coming but I am finally okay with being me.  As l as I am continually striving to be the best version of myself.  Some days I will make mistakes, fall or revert to old habits, but I will never stop picking myself up and trying for better.

As I am,

Prince

prince

Circle, what’s going on with you?

I’m alright. Two weeks into Ramadan and it’s going great. I’m growing and struggling and it’s wonderful. So last week I got to watch Leo and Lake and my man L.A. Graduate from college with their associates. It was bittersweet.

Bitter because it should have been me up there with them. Sing them walk made my heart hurt. But, it served as a reminder that all of my actions have consequences and I need to keep that in mind. No more act now and deal with it later shit. 99% of the time I’m the biggest loser in that scenario and I’m too old to keep making these mistakes.

It was sweet because I was watching people I care about achieving one of their goals. I have shared a bond with them that you don’t share unless it comes behind blood, years and tears. I was so happy for them; they handled their business. Some of their family members came up. One of my mans hadn’t seen his mom in fifteen years. That kinda energy is amazing. Alright, though, I’ma tell you that in two years I’m going to be graduating and not just with my associates if they allow the to get their bachelors thenhen. Insha Allah, I’m going to get that as well.

As I am,

Prince

prince

Hey, Circle.

How are you?  I got your letter this afternoon.  I was glad I could call you guys for hell, you really are the only friends I have had.

I know what you guys are saying about Dark Star, but I doubt I will ever get back with Lori even though I wish that I could but Hell…

I don’t know what DHS has to say about the kids, but you can bet I will see my kids, for I will fight until I die.  I would let them keep putting me back here just to see my kids.

I guess you could say after I get out I will be okay, even if I don’t come back to Maine, for I will always land on my feet for, Hell, God has not let me down yet.

I would say that even if my mom said I could stay there, Cherokee shouldn’t matter for he is eighteen now so who knows.  But I guess you could say I will do something.

I do get out for a walk a few times a week, lifting.  I just have not had the time for that, but I should be getting more time now I am done with DEFY for next monday is the final test for my class but I also been putting a lot of time in the Church stuff as you always see.

I guess you could say I am going to close for now, but I will write you guys more.  Soon I need to find some more stamps for I used the money my mom put on my account on the phone.

God bless,

Joel Dudley

joel

Circle,How are you?  I guess you could say it has been going okay, for now.  I sit here in my cell at 130am, just can’t get shit off my head.

I did find a couple of things I meant to send you guys a wile back for the website but of course I forgot to send them.

Fuck, I really don’t know what to do for Lori and the kids are and always will be my world.  I just don’t know.

I guess you could say all I do is teach my class and watch t.v. for the rest of my time but I can also say I try to call my mom and Lori everyday for I keep my hopes up but who knows, right?

SO I guess you could say you guys are the only people who I hear from.  I just don’t know what the fuck it seems all of my family and friends have left me behind.  I guess you could say I write them, but don’t hear back.

I guess you could say I should lay down so yes, If I can fall asleep then I should try.  But I will of course write you guys more over this weekend so please whatever you do keep in touch for I could always use a friend.

God bless,

Joel Dudley

joel

A quick note:

So, I’m pretty sure I’ll be back in college in the summer.  I’m excited about it.  I’m saving money for Ramadan so that I can make Zakat, which is charity.  I want to be able to gie the money to a mosque.  It would mean a lot to be ale to do that.  Of course, as I am limited financially, it is not easy, but I will give what I can.

Am I fat?  Please, Circle.  You know I stay cut.  I’ma have to send you guys a picture.  I’ll take one tomorrow and send it in the next letter.  Am I fat?  Hahahaha.  I don’t really work out, just do pull-ups ad push-ups and stuff like that.  I’m not a big fan of weights.

Okay, I gotta go.

As I am,

Prince

prince

Circle,

How are you ? I guess you could say I have seen a lot better days – I still have not heard from Lori and the kids but of course, who knows.

Sorry I have not written for a little bit, I have had some medical problems in the past few months. I have been having some really bad, light headed dizzy spells. Medical here really don’t know what they are doing for all they keep saying is “drink more water” but of course you know how doctors in prison are for fuck, I just wish I could stop being dizzy for some days I can’t even get out of bed.

I guess you could say I still feel lost, for I don’t really hear from anyone but you guys, or I should say “you” for you’re it.

So have you heard from Dark Star, for yes, it would be great to hear from her. But, if you guys want she can send me more pictures just like you guys can as well.

I guess I will let you go for now, for I need to work on what I’m doing in class tomorrow, so if you need it I can give you my second copy, when it comes to class for yes, I have two weeks left of my defy class I took. You should look up defyventures.org. I know their site sucks but yes that is a program I took here. I will write you guys more later, for yes, I know you enjoy hearing from me (LOL.)

Father Dudley

father.dudley

 

 

 

Circle:

How’s it going? I guess you could say I am doing good, but fuck, still have not heard from my mother, so to put it: no, I really don’t hear from my family anymore.

I guess you could say I am working on getting my e-mail here, so yes, I hope to get that next week, but fuck, I still need money just to use it (LOL.)

I guess you could say right now I could careless about playing with fire when it comes to writing D.S. For yes, I don’t hear from Lori, but I don’t call right now, I don’t even write her.

So hey, just in case they let me have my email, what is your addy so I can put it on-line for it might work better.

I would say any pictures you want to send me would be okay, for I like them all (LOL.) I don’t see much of my life on the outs.

I am getting a new pair of glasses soon, as I get more money I will need to get a picture for you guys for you know just how it is. Sorry it’s been forever since I wrote for as you see I write the printer here has been down so I couldn’t get labels and you can’t send out mail if you don’t have them. I’m headed out to see if they fixed it tomorrow for I don’t have classes again ’til Monday. Fuck, it has been a long week (LOL.)

I am going to head to bed now, but I will always keep praying for you guys.

God bless,

Father Dudley

father.dudley

Hey Circle,

How are you?  I guess you could say I a good for now.  I am glad you say my kids look good for Lori hasn’t even sent me a picture of them in over a year.

I don’t know what Lori’s deal is, all I know is she said that she was filing for divorce,  so fuck, I just have not really been doing all that much.

I will write another blog soon, but I just need to get money for a copy card so I can copy more of my sermons for you guys, for I only get one copy of stuff here.  I just need to wait and see how long it takes for me to get the copy  card.

I would love to hear from Dark Star, for yes, it would be great to hear from her.  I would love to be able to get more form people for yes, it feels lonely not hearing from people and losing my family and friends.  I guess I will have to find someone who can print out some pictures of my kids for I would love to see them soon, but still awaiting money to call my mom.  She don’t write me.  I guess she is going to write me soon, but that is what I always hear (LOL).  I guess most people only know how to say that they are going to do something soon.

God bless,

Joel

joel

 

Hey,

How is everyone?  I guess you could say I am okay for now.  Sorry for not keeping up with my blog but of course I will keep up with more parts now that it’s almost February.  Right now I am working on a new study on “God at the Center.” As soon as I’m done with it, I’ll copy it and send you folks a copy.

I will call as soon as I get more money, for it will cost me $3.50 but I guess it is worth the fact that you guys are my only friends as of now, for yes, this casr has taken alot away from me.

I have been working on passing around the Free List for, yes, it has come in handy for some of the guys in here.

Sorry for my writing; it’s late here, for hell, I only get a chance to write people at night, but I guess you could say it could be worse writing (LOL.)  Keep praying the court has a head and can see past the lies of the agents and overturns my case for you know I could never have done any of this crap.

Have you any pictures of Catherine?  For I could use some now that I can’t see her. Also enclosed are a couple of sermons of mine for I found a couple that I had copies of so I thought that I would send them.

Let Circle know that they are always in my prayers, for yes I keep  you guys in them everyday!

God bless and love,

Joel Dudley

father.dudley

Hey, Circle, what’s poppin’?

Right now, I only have 1 ½ classes and those will be done at the beginning of August. I finished Psychology with a B; I’m not particularly proud or happy about that. I dropped the ball there a little bit. I didn’t study for the test as much as I should have and rushed through the when I took them. It’s kinda disappointing because I want to major in Psy. But, lesson learned. One of my other teachers (for my business class) is from the Gardiner area. He knows me or at least of me. That was kinda awkward at first. I wonder, will I ever be able to meet somebody who knew me or knows me from my past and not feel that rush of shame? Anyways the awkwardness was all on my part and once I got past that, everything has been cool.

I’ve been getting a lot of winter sun and I love it. The Winter has had great weather (at least the first part.) What’s the best thing y’all have done outdoors so far? I haven’t played much this season; most of my games have been scheduled for the same time that I have class, but that’s okay. I’ll take the education over a couple of hours of fun any day. I recently lost my job because of scheduling conflicts between work and school. That kinda sucks because I definitely could use the money, but again, I’m putting school over everything else.

So I don’t know what’s up with Mariah. I’m a sucka for love. I know Allah has plans for me so I”m just gall back and see what’s really good.

Alright. I’m gonna hope that all is well with you and yours.

As I am,

Prince

prince

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Political Prisoners

Welcome to the blog from inmates of Maine's jails and prisons.

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