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Hey,

My last few letters are what mixture of feelings that have been coming up lately.

Hopefully I won’t have to purge like that for a while. It normally doesn’t bother me when I get rid of some anger. I actually feel better once that happens. But, those mother-fuckers lying to me about my money isn’t up there on my list so I get all of these emotions going at once.

Guess that is part of my illness and how I handle part of my anger now. Before I would’ve just walked up and tackled someone for lying to me and start putting the knuckles to them so I think I did a good job showing self-control.

Ok.

Ember

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I hate the way that I’ve been feeling with all of the mixture of feelings I have had running through me. So many were going through me I was totally overcome by anxiety. I hate that feeling. Like I am not in control.

Actually I used to feel like that every day, until Rabbi Levi made me feel like there was someone who gave a fuck. He actually stopped me from attempting something incredibly stupid again. I don’t know, I guess it just feels good having someone who cares. I don’t think I have ever really had that before. I mean other than Granny, Papa.

Then I started remembering when I was 14, wishing I could’ve gotten to say goodbye to my friend Henry, people feeling some type of way, feeling guilty about leaving my cat alone. Everyone being against me, tired of dark, want sunshine. Needing to find a corner to hide in where I can feel safe and warm. Running away from all of my memories and anger even though I have to get it all out. But I feel or felt like, what’s the point of doing this. It doesn’t matter because no one cares.

I know that I shouldn’t feel like this but I do sometimes.

– Ember

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I’m always feeling so uncomfortable

when the situation seems to be predictable

All hope slips through the trained fingers.

That’s how it has always been.

I can’t seem to tear myself away.

Been living in the past with my mistakes.

But I always find a way to numb the tension.

I bury thoughts alone

Under the skin to hide the damage done to my defenses.

My senses dulled then cracked

And I concede that

Maybe

I’m unsure of just what it takes

To frustrate and dismantle apathy

Rain

Please wash away temptations

Before I let them get the best of me.

– Ember McLane

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I usually wake up in this type of mood and by the end of the day I have gone through a few of these other feelings. The first one is how I have been feeling a lot lately but I sill feel those other feelings mixed in. They still manage to rear it’s ugly head. I would love to get rid of them. I mean, I like being different. I know I am not a starched and pressed wind-up doll and I have a mind of my own, so I don’t care if people see me as eccentric or different.

I am beautiful, but I am also strange.

When you scatter all my pieces the puzzles still the same.

I’m hideous and so deranged.

I’m running through a tunnel so you don’t get lost inside of me.

I feel the earthquake, I feel it as it tips inside of me.

The crucifix that I’m dragging is nailed to heavy wood.

Please don’t forget me.

The walls are stained me as my world unravels.

It’s shattered like a bottle.

Please don’t forget me.

I’m like a little pebble. Once dropped, you’ll never find me. I’ll be lost inside the ocean, never to be seen.

I’m hideous and so deranged.

I’m digging out a tunnel so you don’t get lost inside of me.

So beautiful – you are beautiful. I’m a little strange.

But you’re not as strange as me.

And hideous – like the voice inside of me. So deranged – just look inside my head.

Don’t get lost inside of me.

Please don’t get lost inside of me.

– Ember

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I need to find a darkened corner,

A boundless corner,

Where I feel safe.

Where I’ll feel warmer.

 

I’m crawling away.

Away from the hate, away from the storm.

I’m running away.

Away from the pain, away from the rage.

I’m flying away.

Away from the games, away from the dark,

The circumstances of a world so cold.

– Ember McLain

 

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When passions are lost

And all my trust is gone

For way too far

For way too long

Then children are crying

They’re cast out and neglected

But only in a world so cold

Only in a world this cold

 

I tried to hold the hand of my best friend and look into his eyes,

Then watch him drift away

Some might say I’ve done the wrong thing

For way too long

For way too long

Their burning whispers remind me of the days  when I was left alone

In a world so cold

 

I’m guilty of the same thing

My child’s been left alone

Only in a world this cold

Only in a world this cold

 

Why does everyone feel like my enemy?

I’ve had enough depression and darkness

I want apart

I’m sick and tired

Bring the sun.

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Merry Christmas…

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Political Prisoners

Welcome to the blog from inmates of Maine's jails and prisons.

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