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Hey, Circle,

Well, it looks like we’re going to have a  pretty good winter after all.  Getting lots of snow now.  Haven’t seen any yeti running around, although some of the guys are large enough to qualify as yeti.  I guess we are going to get more snow this Wednesday and Thursday.  My New Years is going good.  Heck, no, I wouldn’t mind if anyone out there wanted to write me.

My sister is doing qiuite well.

Good night.

Kenneth McDonald

kenny

I am my own worst enemy.

For most of my life I have denied this and have been okay with not examining the reasons for my troubles.  Today I have decided that enough is enough, starting today I will be my best friend, I will love myself, an I will believe in myself.  I know, I know I am not saying anything new or unknown.  To quote the Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident…” but this has not always been the case.  However, recent events in my life have made it abundantly clear that now is the time for change.

I have always looked down on people who have wanted to “recreate” or “reinvent” themselves.  In my mind if you didn’t like a part of who you are then you should have never let it become habit.  It is extremely ironic that I now find myself in situations where I must do the same.  For years I have allowed negative, damaging thoughts, emotions and actions in my life because I believed it was necessary to survive in the situations I found myself in.  Dr. Joe Dispenza has shown me how wrong I was.

“Your personality creates your personal reality.”

Dr. Dispenza says in his movie, Aligning your thoughts and feelings for a New Destiny.  The realization that my thoughts and feelings created my reality was something that I knew but have never explored.  Exploring this has forced me to remove the last of my blinders.  Now, more than ever, I can look around and see my present circumstances for what they are.

My present circumstances are the biggest and best opportunity I have even had to change.  I will no longer be who I think I have to be or who others want me to be.  I will become the man who I want to be.  Recognizing the truth in what Dr. Dispenza says has shown me that I have had and will always have the power to do better.  Dr. Dispenza also speaks about how in every case (that he studied) in which people made a miraculous recovery from a disease or illness, they surrendered themselves to a higher power.  This resonates with me because the idea of surrender has been the best and yet most difficult issue of my faith.

As a Muslim the idea of Allah being in control, wanting what is best for me, and not giving me more problems/pain than I can handle is a balm to my soul. Yet, I struggle with the concept that in order for Allah to be in control, I cannot be. The reality that he knows what is best for me and what is right for me stares me in the face every day.  I can no longer continue to fight it.  I have not demonstrated a love for myself or that I want what is best for myself, because who in their right mind would make the choices I have or want to be where I am?  Yet all of my thoughts have led me to this place.

I am now ready to embody the change that is  necessary for me to be who I should be.  Allah has blessed me with many talents and abilities that I have run from or misused for the majority of my life.  I am done with being somebody who has wasted potential; instead I will be somebody who has realized their potential.  I will not continue to be anything other than the best possible version of myself.  One of my favorite sayings is, “Our biggest fear is not the darkness, it is our light… for who are we to be beautiful?  Who are we to be powerful beyond all belief?”  I am paraphrasing a Nelson Mandela quote.  The events, conversations and lessons of this last year have led me to a point where I understand that without some serious painful introspection I will never stop makin the same mistakes.  It is not enough to not want to make them.  I have to understand why I am making them in the first place.

Starting this process has been eye-opening.  I will probably be doing it for the rest of my life, because once I started I do not wish to stop.. It has brought a clarity into my life that is much need.  I could wax poetically about all of the insights I have gained, but I won’t.  I will instead let them speak for themselves.  I am not the same person that I was last year, last month, last week or even yesterday.  It is my firm belief that these changes I have made and will continue to make will be apparent to all in my life.  It has been a long time coming but I am finally okay with being me.  As l as I am continually striving to be the best version of myself.  Some days I will make mistakes, fall or revert to old habits, but I will never stop picking myself up and trying for better.

As I am,

Prince

prince

Hey Circle,

I was glad to hear from you guys.  I guess you could say it was nice to hear from you for yes, you guys are the only ones I hear from.

I want to thank you for the letter from Arline, for she sounds cool.  I hope she likes my letter.  I did try to call you guys, but the heartline was disconnected when I tried.  I guess you could say I need to find a way to break it to Arline that I’m in Prison.  I could still work it out for her to call me for as long as I have money and she had money I could set it up – she calls my Mom the same time as me.  God bless speaker phones.  You know how it is.  I guess the best way to let Arline know where I am is you would have to tell her where I am, after that, I can tell he anything she’d like to know.  I’ll send you another picture for her.

I still await my letter from Crystal, but I don’t hold my breath, for if I did I might die first. (LOL.)  I guess I will let you guys go for now.  Stay safe and I will keep you in my prayers.

Your brother,

Father Joel Dudley, ULC

joel

Hey,

How are you?  I guess you could say that I am doing okay.  I thought I would write, for I have not heard from you guys in a bit.  I hope all is well.  I don’t have all that much going on here these days.  I still don’t hear from Lori anymore.

I guess you could say that I have thought about what Santos said about writing a book and I just might I don’t know just what I should write about.  I thought I would write about who I am, but fuck, I live a pretty fucked up life as we all know.

I still speak to my mom and Cherokee, they are doing good, of course.  I can’t wait to be back in Maine, even though I feel there is nothing there for me anymore.  I already know that  Lori is going to fight to keep the kids from me.  I guess you could say my friends are my only reason for coming back even though you guys are my only friends, at least the only ones that stuck by me through all of this.  I don’t really care what people think of me out there, for I live my life for me and not for anyone else.

So how is everything working out?  I hope good for you guys, for yes, I know just how much you guys like to fight for rights (LOL.)  How is the Project going?  I hope you guys have not fallen back in a dark hole, but if you have, see the light and come back to us.  I know just how hard it is to keep from the shit.  Yes, I mean shit.

How is Bella.  I would say she must be getting big, but  then again she can’t get any bigger (LOL.)  Yes, I am still working on the new letter; the next one is coming out soon.  I just have to wait to get a few more things for it.  I guess you could say you know how that is, right?

I guess I will close for  now and write you guys more another day for I should be getting ready to head back to my unit for the morning (LOL.) Yes, I should have said that I am not in my unit right now, I am in education writing this, for I had to help a friend with something up here.  I will let you guys go.

God bless you and be well,

Your friend and brother,

Joel R. Dudley

father.dudley

Hey, Circle.

How are you?  I got your letter this afternoon.  I was glad I could call you guys for hell, you really are the only friends I have had.

I know what you guys are saying about Dark Star, but I doubt I will ever get back with Lori even though I wish that I could but Hell…

I don’t know what DHS has to say about the kids, but you can bet I will see my kids, for I will fight until I die.  I would let them keep putting me back here just to see my kids.

I guess you could say after I get out I will be okay, even if I don’t come back to Maine, for I will always land on my feet for, Hell, God has not let me down yet.

I would say that even if my mom said I could stay there, Cherokee shouldn’t matter for he is eighteen now so who knows.  But I guess you could say I will do something.

I do get out for a walk a few times a week, lifting.  I just have not had the time for that, but I should be getting more time now I am done with DEFY for next monday is the final test for my class but I also been putting a lot of time in the Church stuff as you always see.

I guess you could say I am going to close for now, but I will write you guys more.  Soon I need to find some more stamps for I used the money my mom put on my account on the phone.

God bless,

Joel Dudley

joel

Circle,How are you?  I guess you could say it has been going okay, for now.  I sit here in my cell at 130am, just can’t get shit off my head.

I did find a couple of things I meant to send you guys a wile back for the website but of course I forgot to send them.

Fuck, I really don’t know what to do for Lori and the kids are and always will be my world.  I just don’t know.

I guess you could say all I do is teach my class and watch t.v. for the rest of my time but I can also say I try to call my mom and Lori everyday for I keep my hopes up but who knows, right?

SO I guess you could say you guys are the only people who I hear from.  I just don’t know what the fuck it seems all of my family and friends have left me behind.  I guess you could say I write them, but don’t hear back.

I guess you could say I should lay down so yes, If I can fall asleep then I should try.  But I will of course write you guys more over this weekend so please whatever you do keep in touch for I could always use a friend.

God bless,

Joel Dudley

joel

Circle,

How are you ? I guess you could say I have seen a lot better days – I still have not heard from Lori and the kids but of course, who knows.

Sorry I have not written for a little bit, I have had some medical problems in the past few months. I have been having some really bad, light headed dizzy spells. Medical here really don’t know what they are doing for all they keep saying is “drink more water” but of course you know how doctors in prison are for fuck, I just wish I could stop being dizzy for some days I can’t even get out of bed.

I guess you could say I still feel lost, for I don’t really hear from anyone but you guys, or I should say “you” for you’re it.

So have you heard from Dark Star, for yes, it would be great to hear from her. But, if you guys want she can send me more pictures just like you guys can as well.

I guess I will let you go for now, for I need to work on what I’m doing in class tomorrow, so if you need it I can give you my second copy, when it comes to class for yes, I have two weeks left of my defy class I took. You should look up defyventures.org. I know their site sucks but yes that is a program I took here. I will write you guys more later, for yes, I know you enjoy hearing from me (LOL.)

Father Dudley

father.dudley

 

 

 

Circle:

How’s it going? I guess you could say I am doing good, but fuck, still have not heard from my mother, so to put it: no, I really don’t hear from my family anymore.

I guess you could say I am working on getting my e-mail here, so yes, I hope to get that next week, but fuck, I still need money just to use it (LOL.)

I guess you could say right now I could careless about playing with fire when it comes to writing D.S. For yes, I don’t hear from Lori, but I don’t call right now, I don’t even write her.

So hey, just in case they let me have my email, what is your addy so I can put it on-line for it might work better.

I would say any pictures you want to send me would be okay, for I like them all (LOL.) I don’t see much of my life on the outs.

I am getting a new pair of glasses soon, as I get more money I will need to get a picture for you guys for you know just how it is. Sorry it’s been forever since I wrote for as you see I write the printer here has been down so I couldn’t get labels and you can’t send out mail if you don’t have them. I’m headed out to see if they fixed it tomorrow for I don’t have classes again ’til Monday. Fuck, it has been a long week (LOL.)

I am going to head to bed now, but I will always keep praying for you guys.

God bless,

Father Dudley

father.dudley

Hey, Circle,

How are you?  I just got out of work so I though I would just write you for yes I would love to hear from you guys.  For I pray for you and all the Circles everyday, so keep in touch.  Don’t forget the free list!

May his grace be there,

Father Joel Dudley

joel

Hey, Circle.

How are you guys?  I guess you could say I am doing okay for now.  But of course I do my best to keep busy around here, except now it’s 11:30pm and I can’t sleep.

So, how is Bella?  You need to send some pictures of her to me. That would be great.  So, yeah, I spoke to my wife and I was told to give you guys her cell number.  It’s in the other letter.

Yeah, I don’t know.  As for the cab company, my mom works for Darksummer Taxi; you should be able to find her number in the book.

So you guys are all doing good, I see from your letter.  Hey – write me anytime you want to.  Yeah, it’d be great.  I get mail now, but it’s always prison mail, as Lori, my wife is too busy, but I love her.

As soon as you guys can get me the “Prisoner Free List.” I will start passing it out, and what I can do to help my brothers here.  I know that it will get me out of my slump, cuz when I help others, I kinda forget about me.  And working in the school, photocopies are no problem.

Hey, heading to bed, but I will write more tomorrow.

Talk later, my friends, and may God’s grace be upon you all.

Father Joel Dudley, ULC

joel

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Political Prisoners

Welcome to the blog from inmates of Maine's jails and prisons.

In collaboration with the Holistic Recovery Project, the Political Prisoners Blog provides a prisoner's view into what's happening at Maine's correctional facilities.

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